You will be trying to go in two opposite directions at once. One way is what you ought to do, the other is what you want to do. Following your whims will give you a guilty conscience, but being dutiful will make you feel under nurtured. Really if you were truthful you would admit you want to let your hair down and live life to its fullest extent. You could not care less whether anyone is shocked or startled. Nothing in your emotional life feels too secure, but it certainly isn`t boring.